1. |
Double Dream
01:17
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[This song is an excerpt from an old scrapped song I wrote, heavily distorted]
I see the faces implanted in my brain
When I lay in bed and I go to sleep
And they hate me, yeah, they are hating me
I lrun away and I go to sleep
I have a double dream and in my double dream
I have a nightmare I am seeing things I don't like
It doesn't matter deep I go and or try to dig
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2. |
Phone Call
02:01
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[This is a song about me faking being friendly with my homophobic grandmother from my dad's side of my family. It later tells of when I came out to my dad in a therapy session about being trans and his reaction.]
The second you hung up I dropped the act
And I'm talking about you behind your back
Cause you deserve it
The way you'd change your words is
Disgusting and I learned this because
The first time
Granddaughter wasn't your way
You were horrible that day
And I don't trust that you'd still love me
The second that I told you about what I had
You told me I'd always be a man
And you deserve this
You're the one who hurt this
If you want me you'll earn it
Because the first time your son wasn't your way
You were horrible that day
And I don't trust that you even love me at all
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3. |
Gaslighting
03:32
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[This song is someone talking to me]
Oh my god stop pulling that card
you're too smart
Watch your tone
Low voice
All the time
Your choice
Is the choice
We choose
Coming out and out of you
Watch your tone
Attitude
Gotta be an attitude
Change in pitch and mouth movement
That's gotta be an attitude
I don't care what you said
I don't like how you said it
I know if you had the choice you would reset it but
You did it on purpose
And you're out of control
Even if you're nervous
You should have total control
Of those words coming out
And your fight or flight response
Doesn't dictate how we want you to respond
Who cares if I'm wrong I've been around longer
Your rightness doesn't make me any more wronger
You're definitely gaslighting me
I see it in your eyes
Maybe not at the surface
But there's probably some lies
Deep in your center
I'm gonna burn it out of you
Drill into your core
I'm gonna find out the truth
I have sworn I'm gonna find out
So I'll shout and shout and shout and shout
Did you just call me stupid
I heard it in your words
I put some syllables together
From separate strings of verbs
And then I sorted them however I really wanted to
After putting them in your alphabet soup
And I saw you look away from me for seconds so today I'll be the CSI and FBI and chief of my own police team
And I will catch you in the act of something unrelated and connect it over years and say you do this every day and then
I'll figure out your secret and I will say I won
Your rightness doesn't make me any less wrong
I swear to god I'm winning I just need to find the proof
Didn't find it but I found out how you could use an excuse
I've been digging and I'm focused on finding every clue
I could stack up in a pile and push on you
I wanna bury you in facts
Wanna save my ass
From looking less smart
And looking like crap
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4. |
Friend Mall
02:52
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[This song is about an old best friend of mine, a trip to the mall I had with them, and the fall of that friendship. She's actually the biggest reason I named this project Friend Hell.]
We're going to the mall
Just you and me, I told my father
We were going to the mall, nothing suspicious at all
He didn't expect it to be
A night where I could just be me
And if he knew why I was happy
Then well, he wouldn't be
Ah
Thinking of things to get
And for the first time I'm really met
With something I can look forward to expecting
Thinking of things to get
I can finally get a grip of these soft clothes
I can finally hold them
I'm really looking around
The back of my head is hardly open
I think I've really found
My best friend I can put my hope in
You are the best thing in my life right now
Please don't go
I can't have you out
We cuddled on the couch
I wished the clock would never count
Up to 10:30
You did me dirty
When you ghosted me after all we'd been
And I didn't have any other friends
And you left me at the peak of my depression
With all odds against
I'm fucking freaking out
I'm kicking, screaming now
I call your name, but you wouldn't respond
Even if you could hear me kill my lungs
I know that I messed up
I know that I'm the worst
I know I ruined everything
And made it worse
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5. |
You Are Not The Father!
02:31
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I just want you to change
Is that so much to ask?
The only change I've seen in you lately
Is you got less fat
How about you try a diet
Where you restrict and don't apply this point of view
I'm sure it'd help you
You don't even know the simple things about
You never knew that I hate the name you call me
And when you figured it out
I had my doubts
But telling you was not right to do
And I can see you have no clue
On how to deal with the truth
Spent the whole summer at your house
And I spent every second on the couch
In a room that's secluded from all of the stupid
Nonsense you're constantly spewing
You should just shut up
That's my running advice to you from now on
I wish I could cuss you out every day
And every word inflicts emotional pain
But I know that you only feel proud
Of yourself and all the things you spout
You're prouder of losing like 10 pounds
Then you are of every single child
You have ever had and ever will until a clone pops out
You should just stop having kids
If you won't even like them
At all
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6. |
Pretender
01:48
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I know what you're here to do
I've met you before
You are here to butt heads with
Everything my confidence stands for
And you're taking up like of my screen
You're making me feel like shit
And you haven't done a thing
I can tell from this preview
That I'll never be like you
Never be like you
I can see you on the billboards
I can smell you in the perfume
I will never be you in the commercials
I will always be a pretender
I can feel you in the sweater
I can hear you in the adverts
I will never be you in the commercials
I will always be a pretender
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7. |
Self Portrait
01:28
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Erase the nose
Erase the eyes
Erase the hips and erase the thighs
Erase this life
Erase your lie
You lie to yourself on paper all the time
Make a self portrait, fuck it up
Add the shit that you don't want
Make a self portrait, do a bad job
Do it on purpose, so it looks good
Don't you feel great?
That's exactly what you are
Captured on an introductory card
Say hello, but don't be yourself
If that's you, who am I?
What is everything else?
Make a self portrait, fuck it up
Add the shit that you don't want
Make a self portrait, do a bad job
Do it on purpose, so it looks good
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8. |
Slip Through The Cracks
01:01
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Really wish I had the self control
To starve myself to fit inside my old clothes
I shouldn't have stayed up till 2 am
Cause now I feel like shit and gotta wake up at 7:00
Looking at pictures of when I was a freshman
Can't believe I was so skinny back then
Shouldn't have stayed up till 3 am
Cause I'll do it again
I'll do it again
I shouldn't have stayed up so late
I shouldn't have stayed up today
I know, I know
That everything is gonna come back
I know, I know
If I let it slip through the cracks
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9. |
improv
00:40
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Friend Hell West Virginia
unprofessional pop punk folk rock nonsense
19
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